In August, I’ll be 45, and while the number itself doesn’t scare me, I’m not very excited about it either. Lately, I’ve been feeling kind of off – a little less moody than usual and definitely tired to the bone. While I can put this down to the effects of the pressures of a busy life with young children and running a small business affords me, I think it’s also age. The hot word of the year seems to be “perimenopause,” and while I’m sure it has something to do with it biologically, it feels like more of an emotional process that I’m going through. One in which I try to accept that I am in fact getting older, however, my place in the world and how others view me and how I see myself are changing as well. In some ways for the better, in others not so much.
You can’t pay me to be in my twenties again. Or my 30s for that matter. Both decades were very tough for me and I didn’t enjoy them very much. To my shock, my early 40s were when I felt most alive and energetic, but this has diminished over the past couple of years. Now I feel as if I’m in a no man’s land, not old, but not young. Some days are full of energy and determination, while others resist the urge to burn everything down and run away (or to be less dramatic, just lie down and rest).
I’ve been in therapy for a very long time and have done a lot of hard work – especially over the last three or four years. What was obvious to some (my husband) has come to mind recently – I’m not sure I know how to be happy. I sure know how to be productive. I’m very good at trying to be perfect. I know how to please others like the back of my hand. But do I know how to find happiness within myself? Hahaha, not sure.
Yes, I have moments of feeling happy – laughing with friends, cuddling my kids, and having a perfect day at the beach. But the “letting go” that involves true happiness is very difficult for me. Fighting the desire to be the best at something/everything, and instead just having fun, is a real challenge for me. I’ve been living too much with a white-knuckled grip on the things I know make me “good” and feel okay…exhausted. This can’t be all there is.
I am a very lucky and blessed lady – no doubt about it. I should be happy, of course. And I should be okay saying it out loud and not worrying that people will paint me as ungrateful (although I can certainly be). Me too, because I think it’s hard to admit it. Many of us should, by all accounts, be very happy, but we are not. Maybe it’s the hormones. Maybe it’s the culture of grinding. Maybe it’s social media and the brain’s rotting game of comparison. Or maybe we’re not being honest with ourselves.
So I decided to celebrate my 45th birthday this summer. Not a banner year for a big party, but a bright, happy, fun dinner with the best girls on the back porch. No pressure, just fun. This is the year I want to really focus on this aspect of life instead of achieving some obtuse feat of follower count, public accolades, or rock-solid abs. I want to feel good about my body, but also not care about every inch of it. I want to rely on vacation days, free time, and loose schedules rather than strict days where I can’t help but feel like there’s more I should be doing.
I have worked hard, and I will continue to do so. I don’t know any other way but to stay busy and hungry. I will talk to my doctors more about some ways to combat the inevitable drop in hormones that exacerbates what I’m feeling. But I also want to do my best to enjoy life as it is, not put off happiness until I reach XYZ goal, date, or age. The time is now, because as last month reminded me, the future is not guaranteed.
That’s a very long way of saying I’m planning dinner! 🙂 It’s beautiful full of bold colors and feminine details and I felt like brightening her mood, so I did! Some version of this will happen, maybe not all of these things – it doesn’t have to be perfect (although I do enjoy beautiful things). We can order pizza for everyone I care, I just want to take a moment to sit down and enjoy my friends, my gorgeous yard, and a summer night – I’d rather entertain at home than go out lately, so that’s what I’ll do.
So this is the look that says “happy birthday you crazy 45 year old”! Cheers!
All images are linked except for the flowers (here), the cake (here) and the rechargeable lamps and shades (here).
